Y'all know something I've noticed here lately? I have a good friend, back in Amarillo, who is Wiccan. She's kinda lost in her studies and confused about a lot of things, so she turns to me for answers when she can. I've been trying to convince her to move down here, so that way we can study together and such, but so far my pleas haven't worked. Then today, I have been very introspective, thinking about what magick means to me and so forth. I've always loved magick, but in all honesty, I can be a little lazy when it comes to it, and a huge procrastinator.
On top of that, Mom was telling me that a client of hers came into the salon, and said that he can see auras and he was surprised to find someone who actually believed him. Mom quickly told him that my little brother can control static electricity and has figured out a way to heal with it, that her energy level is so high she can't wear watches because she burns the battery out of them (which was something the client has problems with as well), and that I could tell him stories that would make his hair stand on end. Did you notice something in that list of gifts? I wasn't listed as having a gift at all, just that I know things.
I've asked myself, since hearing that, what exactly are my gifts? I am a healer, always have been. I heal by touch, and I work wonders with massage, but even though Mom knew that, it almost seemed like it was unimportant, or that it was such a small gift that it didn't merit being told. To be fair, I questioned myself deeply and nearly renounced my gifts when my grandma died, because the day she died was the day I failed as a healer. However, the day Gram heard the word CANCER she quit. She started spreading her energy out through the family, giving it away, because she was done. The minute I felt that energy coming into me, I tried so hard to put it back in her. I couldn't stand feeling her life force just course away and into the rest of us, because that meant we weren't going to have her here on this side of the veil anymore, and I wasn't, and still am not okay with that. I wanted and still want her here.
However, Gram wouldn't have wanted me to renounce my gifts, and she definitely wouldn't want me to waste her energy that she forced me to keep. So, I've asked myself a million times, why don't you do that love spell that you wanted to do? Why don't you do a cleansing on Mom and Dad's house, because they definitely need it? I keep coming up with stupid reasons that I convince myself are legit, like "Oh, I don't have the supplies for it," or "The house is too damn big, I couldn't do a full cleansing in just one day." Yeah I know, stupid reasons, but any time a person comes up with paper thin reasons, there's always an underlying thing. In all honesty, since Gram died, I have felt like I'm not really a witch. I know the energies around me, and if I felt like it, I could reach out and tap into those energies, and use them for what I want, but mentally, because I couldn't save Gram, I keep thinking I'm a failure, I'm no good at working magick. I'll fail just like I did with Gram.
Sometimes I feel like a fake. I feel like I don't deserve to do magick, and that's why it doesn't get done. I question myself, and my power. Sometimes I feel like I'm not powerful enough to even effectually bless the house, which is something I used to do without even thinking about it. However, it is a new year! I refuse to give into to these problems. I refuse to self-sabotage! So, today I'm going to start with something I haven't done since back when I lived in Clarendon, where Gram is buried. I'm going to cleanse and bless this house. After that, despite the fact that I don't have the herbs that I want to work a love spell, I'm going to work a spell on myself, to rid myself of these self-sabotaging thoughts, because they are a road block to the things I want. I'm breaking free my friends! Then, when I get some money together, I'm ordering some herbs to stock my magickal herb shelf (not a cabinet, because I don't have an herb cabinet, and it wouldn't fit in my tiny cabin anyway lol). I refuse to be one of those people that has the knowledge and won't use it. So yes, I'm a witch, REALLY!